Apex Anthologies

Brokenness is Beautiful

In the midst of that I had to relinquish control in every part of my life and that meant letting go of the relationship I held to for so long, and it was hard. But it was in that moment when my brokenness was made beautiful; brokenness is not inherently beautiful, but when I surrendered everything to the Lord his power was made perfect in my weakness, in my brokenness.

Apex Anthologies

Brokenness is beautiful. This has been the theme of my life for the last three years. Like many others’ stories, I was raised by two loving parents and attended church on a weekly basis.  At a young age I experienced the love of God and accepted him into my life. Then after growing up in the church my love for God was tested; the church I grew up in my mind had turned against me and was doing everything but showing me love. At this point I didn’t want anything to do with the church, the people there, or God. Around this same time I entered into a relationship that quickly push physical boundaries that should not have been pushed. By the time I left for college I was completely broken. The relationship I was in was all I felt I could control so I clung to it with all I had.  I eventually was living a double life, living one way at home and school and another when I was with my boyfriend, wanting to please whoever I was with at the time, never wanting to let anyone down and found satisfaction in a relationship that only left me feeling empty. And I didn’t really knowing how I got to that point or how to get out; I was broken.

At the end of my sophomore year I got hired at a Christian camp in northern Ohio called Skyview Ranch. It was there my life was completely transformed. It only took me a few days to realize I was not going to be effective at counseling campers towards the Lord if I continued to live a life that was not glorifying to God. How could I teach my campers to love the Lord if I was living a life that contradicted everything I told them, I would be telling them to love the Lord, yet I loved the world, there was nothing in the way I was living that reflected the love of God. So it was there on a hill in the middle of Amish country that I cried, literally cried out to the Lord. And in the midst of that I had to relinquish control in every part of my life and that meant letting go of the relationship I held to for so long, and it was hard. But it was in that moment when my brokenness was made beautiful; brokenness is not inherently beautiful, but when I surrendered everything to the Lord his power was made perfect in my weakness, in my brokenness.  Ecclesiastes 8:5 says, whoever obeys his command will come to no harm and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him.  I read this verse when I felt at my most broken, and it provided me with the hope that whatever decisions I made, and no matter how broken I got, the Lord was going to turn it towards His glory in the end, and all I could do was to let Him do work.

Don’t get me wrong I still made mistakes that summer, I said stupid things to campers and it was hard but every day in the midst of brokenness I could find beauty because I knew in my brokenness Gods power was being made perfect, that I was not doing in alone.

My life is by no means perfect or easy now either, my struggles not are no less significant and no less challenging. I still struggle with control and often struggle with anxiety. I see the brokenness in my life every day when I let my students down, fail to serve my husband or talk in an unloving way to another teacher, but every day I get up and don’t fear the brokenness of life before me, because God has already gone before me by sending his son Jesus Christ to die for my sins, in my place. I don’t deserve this life, I deserve death; but because of God’s love for me I am able to experience a life of hope for something more than this world.  My brokenness is nothing to be ashamed of, because God’s glory shines through that brokenness, my brokenness has been made beautiful thought GOD’s love.

 

Author: Angela Jekeli